Alas, my faith has taken some serious hits, which is to say, I have not kept up my end of the friendship with God as I should. He gave his Son for me and I can't even give him my all. Sad, but, it is the truth friends. This year so far (wow it's almost over) I had a very difficult time financially, I didn't have joy and honest to God just felt sorry for myself. Rather than have the attitude of positivity, I caved into usual habits and took the negative road. Instead of trusting God, I trusted my circumstances.
Just as I was reaching my limit with my credit card (what I had to use to live on), my circumstances changed for the better. For two months. Then they went back to unpredictable and financially scary (you probably already know the details, if not check out my first blog entry to read about it). Now I have a job again and even though it is not bringing in enough for my bills and student loans etc. I am more aware this time around that I can trust God this time. Relient K says, "With every passing second comes a second chance."
Another area I have struggled with that I hinted at in the beginning is the man situation. Every word I wrote in Part one of Leah/Lexi is true. But there is more to Leah's story and there is more to mine. After Leah had her fourth son, Judah she said "This time I will praise the Lord," for which the name Judah means. The last verse in Genesis 29 says "Then she stopped having children." However, her struggle with needing Jacob's love did not stop there. Later, Leah and Rachel battled with their maid servants. Because Rachel still had not born any children to Jacob, she forced her maidservants onto him to bear children for her. Leah's response? She gave her maidservant to Jacob as well and the battle to bear more heirs through their maidservants began.
Eventually, Leah started bearing more sons and her last child born was a girl, Dinah. "Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son.." The important point I'm trying to make here, is that even though Leah seemed to learn her lesson way back in verse 35 of chapter 29. There she is, in chapter 30 dueling it out with her sister again for a man who did not love her. She had learned that her identity came through her God when she had Judah but struggled later with the same issue.
I feel a very special connection to Leah. She learned truth yet still fell in the same area again, and God still blessed her with more children! She named all of her maidservants children that reflected her belief that God was rewarding her for giving her maidservants to her husband!!! ( SIDE NOTE I get that it was a cultural thing for men of God to sleep with a lot of women (at least you see a whole heck of a lot of it in the old testament) but I'm not thinking Jacob was all that and a bag of chips for being like, "Okay, I'll take that bullet. Poor me, gotta sleep with 4 women. You just can't please women!" What was he thinking, allowing his wives to rope him in like that? This isn't comforting me with the hope that men want to be monogamous).
I think Leah missed the mark when she thought God was rewarding her for childish behavior, I don't think God kept giving her children through her maidservants and then again through her own womb to encourage her that her behavior was great with Him. I do the same thing, when a reward comes I think I know why I got that reward or the same with "punishments" I wonder how many times I miss-attributed something, thereby missing the real lesson God had hoped I would learn. In the beginning of 2012, along with hating my job and not making enough income, I felt incredibly blue about not having a man in my life. "It would make everything better!" I reasoned, and yes, I do think men are awesome, and I do think having one brings happiness and support and joy to life, but there I was, thinking it was the be all and end all to my happiness. And if I'm being really honest, I still think that. The only difference, is that now I'm aware of it whenever I start to think this way and I believe that God can help me with that lie.
So even though Leah learned the purest of truths in her situation, she still went right back to her old struggles. That is why I say I feel a connection with her. Her struggles are similar to mine and God still brought good things into her life, even things she wanted for the wrong reasons. How much more will God bless me (has God blessed me) if I put my trust in Him and allow Him to teach me what He wants to teach me while letting go of my desires to Him.
I wish that whenever I had realizations, I followed through better with the Lord, but that's why Jesus was/is so necessary: we need to continually be saved, sometimes even with the same struggles.