I get caught up in the way life "should" be. Let's take a look at what I, and arguably many others define as "should": a job that pays well, having a job you love, marriage and children (and maybe a time share in the state/country of choice). What really has my mind boggled is that I've read about plenty of rich people who have all these things plus more and still talk about how "something's missing." As a Christian I'd say it's Jesus; but here's the part that boggles my mind: I know Jesus but here I am feeling sorry for myself that I don't have a house to nest in, a man that loves me, and more importantly: a job that fulfills me spiritually and ideally monetarily. I miss having money. I miss paying my bills, I miss having a job I love that I'm good at and where I made a difference. I'm tired of moving (12 times in 5 years people!) and my life constantly equalling uncertainty. I don't like relying on God and I haven't paid much attention to Him lately. What should be a grand opportunity to finish my book has turned into a feeling sorry for myself contest (I am incredibly aware that if I spent the time I spend on Netflix with my book, I'd be on the final draft by now and probably wouldn't whine and complain so much). What saddens me further is that my faith in God has suffered (my fair-weathered friendship with Jesus is alive and well) and though I'm aware my attitude and lack of faith is the problem: I'm not growing past it. I'm addicted to my feelings. So much so I'm becoming a shell of the person I used to be, it's been so long since I've seen the real me I'm wondering if she ever existed. And the hard truth I'm facing: I don't know if the best of me has ever existed, such is my addiction to self. Maybe it's the Holy Spirit awakening in me. Maybe I have to be disgusted with myself to finally follow Jesus, I don't know, but if there is one thing I do know, my life was never supposed to be in this much misery, especially because I know my thoughts and feelings are the problem. That, and, like Preacher Louis Palau said this year during a sermon I heard him give, Jesus' life/death/resurrection was done once for all. Seven times in Hebrews the words "once for all or once is enough" were used in reference to the coming King's death and resurrection.
The Good News is that Jesus came to set us free once for all. We were taken care of in that beautiful moment. I realized a few years ago that my hope in Jesus is the only hope that guarantees, but here I am, frustrated, angry and feeling sorry for myself. It sure is a good thing Jesus' victory on the cross covers my current state. Maybe if I focus on that I won't waste time focusing on myself but what Jesus did for me. I read a quote earlier this year that is a good reminder and I hope it will help you too:
"While you may see no light at the end of your tunnel, you never know when the tunnel will curve. And right around that curve may burst the light of a great new day. You cannot see it from where you are now, but it is there. Then, too, every tunnel ends someplace, otherwise it would just be a cave. And life is definitely not a cave for the Christian." - Robert Manner.