But really what I wanted to talk about was the fact that I, a self-proclaimed believer, selfishly "pursue" Jesus. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be a Christian. I don't think people looking at my life would associate me with Christ. So what would a life reflecting Christ look like? Maybe if I spent more time volunteering at church. Maybe if I spent more time in the Word it would start to affect my thinking and my perception of life. Being unemployed has awoken a desperateness in me to not be in retail. I can think of nothing worse in the job market than getting paid minimum wage with a college degree in retail. But what if that's my future? It seems a shame to become the worst version of myself because I have a job I hate.
Shouldn't God be more than enough? When I think of a Christ follower thriving in their faith, I think of someone who is pleasant in most circumstances, one whose faith never wavers because that's how intimate they are with God. I don't know if I've ever been that person. I've been involved in small groups and I like the idea of actively searching for God with a group of people but beyond that... I've got nothing. I live for myself and for what I feel is right, or wrong, or unfair. I don't go searching to God for answers. And that's because I don't trust him.
AA says the first step is admitting you have a problem, and it's my hope that since I admitted it a few months ago, God is about to seriously invade this area of my life. I do have the responsibility of seeking God; sitting around watching TV doesn't seem to be a way to get out of my spiritual and financial rut. I don't know what's going to happen next, but slowly, daily, I am choosing to trust that God knows exactly where I'm at and hopefully I will reap a harvest of blessings in many areas of my life, not just in the job area but in the spiritual area.