And what IS God teaching me right this minute? If I had to take an educated, soul-searching guess? Accepting time. You can imagine how excited this makes me (said Lexi Never). Time is inevitable. Time can be as cruel as it is forgiving and time is out of my control. Control. Now I am onto something. Now I have tapped into the real issue I have with time: I cannot control it. I can control what I do with the time I have and by focusing on that I redirect my discouragement. So what is God teaching me about time right now? Where do I even start. A few months ago everything seemed bright and warm and full of possibility. Now what once was has been met with heartbreak and making big decisions alone and though there are still really amazing developments opening up to me, I have so much time on my hands all my thoughts consume me. I have zero distractions. Time is cruel. Time has slowed to such a pace that where a month once flew by, my past month has been filled of thoughts I cannot rid myself of. Time is the price we all pay to live this life and I have been thinking about control and anxiety and how time triggers it for me. But time moves on and one day I will wake up and it will start to pass rapidly once again.
I sat recently on an off trail along Land's End in San Francisco. The Golden Gate Bridge sat over the beautiful Pacific Ocean and a rock lay stubborn in dirt to my right. I reached over and felt it wiggle a little in my hand. I started to move it forcefully, pulling it out of it's snug surroundings until it came free. I tossed it aside and wondered how long it would have stayed in its natural position before it came loose through the natural course of time. I had forced it out of where it needed to be in that moment and decided what happened to it. Control. Such an illusion when it comes to people. We can't force someone out of where they're at, and thank God for that because I wouldn't want to be forced out of mine. We can think we know best, but it is only time that can reveal perspective and clarity and the ability to rid ourselves of what holds us in.
And it hits me hard - time isn't bad at all, it's impatience that leads me to think it's bad. It's this refusal to believe I can't control or heal others that makes me hate time. As I process through what time is telling me now, I realize that time does a lot of good too. Time is what is needed to heal, to reconcile, to reconnect, to forgive. To get answers, to see the good again, to hope again. Time keeps moving, what we do with it is what determines how quickly we move through something. Learning what is in my control right now is my path. And what is in my control? Surrendering my circumstances and desires to God. Believing he is for me not against me, even if circumstances tempt me to think otherwise. Prayer is in my control, praise is in my control. Acceptance is within my control. Accepting time is my way forward.
Time marches on regardless of how I participate in it. I just hope I can continue to cling to hope and the promise of time: this too shall pass and it will all come together.
"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14
Hoping you are encouraged and feeling loved,