I told a mutual friend what happened that night when you called me, and you know what her response was? She said she wasn't surprised at your behavior. And here I should note that I told the story with an incredible amount of un-biased attitude so as not to taint the story with my personal emotion. I was incredibly fair towards you, more fair than you deserved to be honest. I've never been treated more terribly by a friend than you, except for maybe Nate, and you know how much he hurt me. You are the only person in my life who saw me cry that hard in SB that night, a few months before he stopped speaking to me. Even I was surprised at the pain I heard in my sobs. I've heard pain like that before, and both times it was at funerals.
You know what your problem is? When someone is going through something that you don't think is a big deal or you can't relate to their issue, you think that what the person is going through is irrelevant so you refuse to validate what they feel. And how dare you tell me you didn't know how to be my friend anymore when I needed you most. Especially after I went out of my way to be their for you when you were at the height of your pain? Who stood by you? Who fought for you? Who told you not to write off the boy who loved you from the moment he saw you because someday you might change your mind. And now you're married to him?
I'm getting WAY off track here. Because here's what I really wanted to say: I miss you. I miss us being weird together and it making us more normal than anyone else in the world. I miss your moments of extreme wisdom and love. Someone who knew you when you were young, told me of the vast difference they saw when they compared you from a child to a young adult. She said where once was a young girl, happy, care-free, and vibrant is now a reserved person and that fire is no longer there. I believe I was told this story after I ended our friendship but I still felt sad for you. Angry at the person responsible for that pain.
The truth is I still wish we were friends. I don't like not being in your life because until you ruined it, you added such joy to mine. I don't think I've ever laughed harder with a friend in my life. It's important to me that you know I ended our friendship because you said you didn't know how to be my friend anymore when I was suffering the most. This NEVER made sense to me because even in the midst of my grief I was there for you. I listened to you, I advised you, I accepted you. I was your family, and that night when you said you couldn't be there for me when I had always been a good friend to you, I knew I couldn't be in your life anymore. It wasn't to punish you, it was self-preservation. I know what a true friend is and you proved you were not one to me.
I may miss you and wish things had turned out differently. I may still need to work on forgiving you and I know I'll be able to because Jesus is working on my hardened/hurt heart and I know what you've been through in your life: how much you've been hurt by a person that should have known better. But in spite of missing you I still know I did the right thing by ending our friendship. I do apologize for not sending you a letter explaining my decision, I just felt like it would have added to my pain and I was in a place where I couldn't take any more of it if it was within my control. I had to make the right choices for me, to do what I felt was healthy for me. And that meant no longer having you in my life.
I still hope you are happy, that your husband is loving you as well as he did when you were kids and that someday, you'll know the healing power of the Lord to fix your heart so you can once again be that happy, care-free little girl, eager to love and know she is loved.