I'll be honest, I struggle with keeping God at the center of my life, and I constantly doubt whether He is enough for me. The pastor said we'll know when God is at the center of our lives because we'll yield all things to Him. When I think about what my life would look like if I did that, I think I'd really know that He is I AM and I am not. It's a crazy notion to think of yielding everything to Him. Something not work out? I yield my brokenness to Him. Finances? Food? Working out? Treating my body like a temple, praying for my enemies, allowing Him access to my dreams and worries? All of these areas I've abused or taken advantage of or believed they're mine when they're His. All of my life belongs to I AM and I've been living as if that title belonged to me. MY choices, MY way, MY body, MY life. But Jesus said, "I AM the way the truth and the life.." When I read these words I believe them, which makes it even more worrisome whenever I live the way I believe to be true because of my feelings and ideas. I may think I have a good idea as to what is right and pure and true, but when I consider Jesus as the main part of the equation: my ways pale in comparison and I can't compare my theology with that of Jesus.
Giving up the rights to myself is difficult, I want what I want, when I want it and in the way that I want it thank you very much. I have managed to become self-entitled over the years, while plenty of people in the world hope they live through another day just to starve or work with horrible pay. Putting that into perspective I feel silly about feeling anything but grateful. Life is good, filled with a lot of beauty and I have the opportunity of hope. I feel blessed with the struggles I have because I know there is hope in Jesus and there is always a new day. Another motivation I have to press on is knowing today could be my last day, and if it were my last day, what state would I have left my life? What would people say about me? It's interesting to me to know that a lot of what people would say about me would be based on whatever their most recent experience(s) with me was.
Last night while I was running around the track, I was thinking about the mistakes I've made and how uncharacteristic those choices were. I began to wonder if who I think I am is really not me at all and what those implications would mean. But mostly I was thinking about past mistakes which led me down the thought path that those mistakes are my identity. That they make up my whole character. Hypocrite! Sinner! my brain shouted at me, but then it hit me, my choices are not what God sees when he looks at me. All my failures, choices, beliefs: they may determine where my life goes, but I am always God's child. That never changes: no matter how much I do. I kept on running, humbled by God's grace for me. As soon as those thoughts of my past hit me, God had the Holy Spirit right there to tell me that my identity was secure with my God.
I've been frustrated lately with the questions that plague my mind about God, questions, that honestly I only have because of what other people bring to my attention about Him. I get discouraged with their views and their questions. I'm quite satisfied to accept that I'll never know everything there is to know. God is much bigger than me or anything I can come up with so I tend not to worry about things that I know I don't need to worry about. But that doesn't mean I'm not affected by others or that when questions arise that I do feel are important to know the answer to I don't know how to be satisfied with not knowing. I've overwhelmed myself with thoughts and fears and loneliness that it's easy to feel lost and confused and alone. But every time I'm comforted by the verse that says, "Be still and know I am God." To me this says to relax and rest in God because He can take care of everything. I can yield everything to him because He is God, period.