Case in point: When I came to the place where I realized I needed to choose a path of forgiveness (please notice the word choose as the most important word of this sentence) it felt good. And it still feels good. But when someone betrays, hurts or breaks your heart (or all of the above) you don't escape the feelings that come along with it. I know I haven't. For example, I still want to punch those who've hurt me in the face sometimes. I still feel confused, and I can say with 100% confidence (at least in this moment) that I no longer believe in love. Let me clarify before you go into a panic or think you need to call me or whatever response you have to that statement. I don't believe in love for me. I think the people in the marriages that I know personally who are still together are filled with love and I know my parents love each other; but love, as I once believed it to exist is over. I'm done. I no longer believe I will find what I'm looking for and honestly I had the "real" experience back in 2007/2008 and it was hard. I had to make all the sacrifices, I had to fight to get through the disagreements. I was alone in the "real" experience. Why would I ever do that again?
No. Instead I will turn my focus onto other things. Like not waiting for Prince Charming to be exact. There are blogs to write, my book to finish, women from my church to get to know, service, more screenplays, hopefully one day going to Romania to serve in an orphanage. Guys have held me back: No my hope for a guy has held me back. I've stuck myself in an unpleasant purgatory hoping for something that may never happen. I once had a guy I used to like tell me my expectations were too high, I don't think they're too high, I just don't think there's any guy out there who meets what I want. Incidentally I had a friend who knows me much more than the person I just mentioned who told me my expectations should be higher. And I so don't want to be one of those women who settle. My experience has taught me that guys are nothing more than a waste of time. Relationships are too hard, and apparently my expectations, whether they are too high or too low, are unrealistic.
Hollywood has tricked women into believing there is soul mate or perfect person for us. But the world is made up of imperfect people so there is no such thing as a perfect match. Have you ever seen those horrible christiansingles.com commercials, or it could be one of those other stupid Christian sites, but at the end of the commercial it actually says. "find the one God has for YOU!" or something equally dumb and dishonest. These people (whom I'm convinced are not Christians) are trying to capitalize on those out there who believe God has one person for them. So wrong and so sad. All the chick flicks out there portray a woman's fantasy but how often are guys in real life anything like they are in the movies?
Guys in real life don't want to hear about your day or what makes up the deepness of a womans heart. They want you around when it's convenient for them; they don't want to admit when they are wrong; they don't like being called out or challenged, they don't want to have long conversations: they just aren't interested in the female mind. But then they send the message "Please, won't you love me and serve me and do everything for me and support me?" Bottom line, they're selfish creatures who want all the sacrifices done for them without having to give anything in return and if they do you're going to hear wining and complaining. And this is what women want?! No thank you! I feel so free from the terrible burden I've carried virtually my entire life, a burden where I've believed I'm the one that isn't enough. It's such a relief to not believe in these lies anymore. I'm onto bigger and better things. I might date for the fun of it but I'm not invested anymore. I'm going to give my attention to those who actually want it and value it. I should probably say here that there are a select few men in this world who don't fit this mold but they are either married, devoted to God and think women are the devil or they're gay. So there you have it, I have now converted to romantic atheism. No more lies or delusions. It's wonderful!
A friend once had a quote on her myspace that said, "Why wait any longer for your life to begin?"
And that's what I've been doing. I've been thinking life begins when the love of your life comes into it. When I met the love of my life in 2007 he wasn't able to receive my love and it's been crappy after crappy experience since then. My life is what I make it to be and I won't waste any more time on "love" or what my version of it has been.