I had a bunch of stories and lessons for them that the Lord has taught me since graduating from Salisbury University and since planning for full-time mission work with Remember Nhu. In my mind, once I decided to work as a full-time missionary I would get to do that work right away. I don't know if it's my impatient spirit or an unnecessary pressure I put on myself since announcing my decision to work with RN, but when things change (particularly involving God), I can get really confused.
I've always had Great Expectations, but I get defensive of that personality trait, because with God aren't we supposed to expect great things? Maybe I'm expecting the wrong results and overlooking deeper,spiritual matters. Or maybe I don't have the faith that things will eventually work themselves out and I jump the gun with Plan B.
Plan B is exactly what has originated recently. I have found a nanny job. Thank the Lord Above, I am headed for a consistent schedule, a more liveable wage, and an area I miss greatly: Maryland.
I know, I know, you must be like, "I'm sorry. I missed some details. What now?"
A few months ago I voiced my decision to some close friends and eventually family about my desire for moving back to MD. To say my return to CA wasn't quite what I had hoped/expected is an understatement. I long to be back in the last place I felt safe, and felt like I was home. I've said several times in the 3 years since I've been in my birthplace state that leaving MD was probably a tad risky. When I think of where I'd like to raise a family nowhere in CA jumps out at me, and as I've lived 7 places throughout CA, I feel like I can say that with knowledgeable authority. Ok, San Diego, Mission Viejo and Santa Cruz were pretty great.
I miss who I was in MD. In MD, I was involved. I had friends. And family. And, admittedly, I have a bit of wanderlust in me. I half expect I'll move on after a few years in MD, maybe try Portland or Seattle next. Because when you're single, you can just move to another state and try it out. Or maybe I just need to remember that nowhere is my home, I wasn't made to stay here and my true rest will be with Christ. Until then, learning to trust Him wherever I live is all I can do.
Learning to trust. This is a big one. I feel conflicted about putting off Remember Nhu while I pay off my car, breathe a little financially and save (hopefully) for future work work with RN. I think when I plan something and then things don't fall into place, I feel lost. I forget that I'm loved no matter my occupation or whereabouts. That whether I work for RN this year or 2 years from now, or never, my heart is willing to. What I know for sure regardless of not working for RN tomorrow, is I need to work on my reliance on God. Is this job a blessing from Him? Is it just a stepping stone into future work or something unknown? Or am I not working for RN right away because I lack the faith God will provide the finances? I know I need people to provide the finances but it's God who directs their hearts... and though I have been crazy blessed, I have roughly $2225.00 towards Thailand, I keep coming up short, I don't have monthly sponsorship for full-time work and I can't keep working at Starbucks, it just doesn't pay me what I need to afford my bills.
Whatever happens, having the knowledge that God is for me not against me, loves me unconditionally, and will never leave me, helps me to rest in the fact that I am always were I'm "supposed" to b.